I had a really long think before starting to write this blog post. Partly because recollecting those roller-coaster times is not the easiest thing, partly because I wondered about the added value this could have for you, my readers. I guess this is sort of a disclaimer. What is in front of you is a personal account of how I managed through these turbulent times. At the same time, it is my hope that it might be at least a tiny bit of help to all those who find themselves in a similar situation, showing them that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I will never forget the moment when I found out that our marriage was in danger. There were no signs; or at least I did not see any. Having a year-old child and the busyness related to it probably did not help in being the most vigilant to these sorts of things either… It was a film-like scene I wish I never had to take part in. An e-mail read by coincidence and I felt as if my whole world crumbled right there in front of me. An immense shock, tears, loss of breath…. Questions, many questions… Why, how, ….????
What followed were some of emotionally most exhausting weeks of my life. Trying to find answers to questions that were not necessarily there. Or at least not as straightforward as I would like them to be. The feeling of betrayal above all. And denial…
Waking up in the morning into this great void. Hurt, disappointed, sad… a mixture of intense emotions… And tears – I do not think I ever cried so much in my life… But the “realities” were still there – the child, the work, the household… This helped to refocus attention, which was welcome, but also felt overwhelming at times…
I was not ready to let go of our relationship just yet, however. For several months, we, or better said, I, tried to work things out. But one person is not enough and the broken trust could not be rebuilt. I had to admit – to myself first -, that it was over. It was not easy nor straightforward and there was still a tiny bit of this unreal hope that someone could just wave a magic wand and return us all back to those happy times. Only my closest friends knew what was happening. The “outside world” had no idea.
It gradually occurred to me that sharing the same roof was no longer an option. Constant fighting, crying or ignoring each other was not an ideal environment for anyone, above all not for a small child.
Something had to be done…
